When you have a child with a disability you quickly discover that he needs you again and again. This has a great impact not only on your life, but also on the lives of those around you, especially parents. Therefore, there are very good reasons why you should take care of yourself before anything else. If you take care of yourself, taking care of your child will be easier.

If we are not well, we will progressively build stress, resentment and anger in our relationship with him, which will undermine us and harm us both. If this happens over a long period of time, the rest of us will burn out, become exhausted, and end up physically ill. We'll end up with nothing to do and nothing to offer him, and then everyone gets hurt. Therefore, before you start looking for and meeting your child's needs, first see if yours are covered.

1. Stay stocked (the “fridge tip”)

Think of yourself as a refrigerator full of food! when you're fine stocked, you have a lot to give, not only to your children, but also to the important people in your life, when they need it. The problem is that the more you give, the less supplied you are. If you don't fill it out again, you will have less and less to offer and one day, perhaps, you won't be able to give anything. So from time to time “take a look at your refrigerator”. Keep yourself “full” with the things you need, so you will be in a position to give your child what he needs. Set yourself to do things regularly just for you: free time, go to the gym, take a relaxing bath, watch a movie, go for a walk, listen to your favorite music... Anything that makes you feel good and brings you well-being. And if you suddenly feel guilty, don't do it! Tell yourself that you are stocking your fridge so you can offer more to the people you love.

2. Surround yourself with support

You have to have the strength to establish the best possible support network so that you can turn to it. It is very useful to have people to trust and delegate to or who can give you a hand to take a break. Accept offers from friends or family. You don't get anything positive out of becoming a martyr by putting everything behind your back. Contact medical services or social services in your area to see what help you can get. If you can afford to pay for some extra help, it will be a good way to stay physically and mentally healthy. Students often appreciate the opportunity to care for your child for a few hours a week, especially if they are studying something related to your child's difficulties. You can post an ad at school or in the local newspaper (but obviously make sure the person you pick up is the right one).

3. Don't take things personally

As parents, we hope to put a lot of love into everything we do for our children. But there are moments, when we need this love “to be returned,” that are very special. They are moments of joy and security. Something difficult for parents of children with disabilities is that they do not always feel that they have to “return” that love to us. This can hurt when you don't get what you need from your child: a kind smile, a nice word, or, worse yet, when their behavior seems hostile. It's important that you don't take this personally because he's not doing this to hurt you. No matter how he behaves, you know that he loves you and needs your love too.

4. Don't forget other areas of your life

Since children need so much time and energy, caring for them can end up taking up all your time if you let them. It's easy to end up abandoning your other interests or distractions. Try to maintain a balance between caring for your child and attending to your other relationships and interests.

5. Be realistic when you talk about problems

Sometimes there are so many difficulties to work through that they seem to overwhelm you. It's impossible to fix all things at once, so where are you going to start? Go slowly and deal with the situation realistically. Make a list of the problems you have and prioritize them based on how urgent they are. This will depend on things like the seriousness of the matter and how much trouble it is causing you and others. It may be helpful to make this list with your partner or a friend. A great advantage of facing problems this way is that once you have decided to focus on the most pressing problems, you can allow yourself a break and delegate a little to others.

6. Set SMART goals

Don't expect too much from yourself or your child too quickly. When you're trying to make progress in an area, take it step by step. Take some time to make your goals SMART. SMART means: ● Small ● Measurable ● Achievable ● Realistic ● Time based For example, a non-SMART goal might be for your child to “be polite.” The SMART goal could be “be polite to three people throughout the day.”

7. Let strategies be the key, not the goal Remember that advice and strategies are to serve you, and not the other way around. Therefore, be flexible. If an idea works for you, use it whenever you can. But if advice doesn't work for you or makes you feel bad, simply ignore it. Trust your judgment. You know what is best for your child. But keep one thing in mind, time can cause differences: a thing that doesn't work today, may work in six months or the other way around. So try things more than once; See what works for your child and follow your intuition.

8. Try not to make it more difficult for him by being overprotective

It is a big mistake to overprotect any child by letting him do too much of what he wants or by giving him too many things. When we do, we make life more difficult for ourselves because we end up with a very demanding and difficult-to-please boy. But it is very easy to fall into that trap for different reasons. For example: ● We feel sorry for him when life is hard for him and we want to make it better for him. ● He always asks and insists to get what he wants, and it is easier to give it to him than to endure his insistence. ● We obviously want him to be happy and we feel guilty and responsible when he is upset (even when his upset is totally irrational).

The fundamental reason for being lenient with him is that we want him to be happy. What we have to think about is that being overly indulgent with him will never make him happy in the long term. That only gives you an absolutely unrealistic outlook on life and leaves you with a future of misery and disappointment. It's hard to say “no” sometimes, but it will be the way to make things more pleasant for you and your child. A suggestion for when he asks for something is to propose it as a reward for his good behavior.

9. Find someone to talk to

Make sure you don't keep all your feelings inside. You need at least one person you trust to tell how you really feel. It could be someone in the family, your partner, a friend... The most important thing is that you have the opportunity to let go sometimes. Talking really helps!

10. Moms: unhook yourselves

Moms in particular have a habit of feeling guilty unless they do everything for their child. We need to get rid of that habit, because no one is going to care about us if we don't do it ourselves. It's not an easy thing to do. Think about the advice airlines give: “In case of emergency, put oxygen on yourself first before trying to help others.” Remember: one of the best ways to love a child is to take care of his mother!

11. Don't give it more importance than it has

To those who do not know your child's difficulty, he may often seem rude, arrogant and clumsy. When his behavior provokes disapproving looks or comments, the child usually does not notice. But we parents can be aware of all the signs of disapproval and judgment very easily. The next time you feel embarrassed and upset about how people judge you or your child, remember this: “Those who don't have the problem care and those who have the problem don't care.”

Mother there is only one, and what one!!!

Cristina Oroz Bajo