Let your partner influence you.

The objective of these reflections is not to recriminate and insult men because it is evident that it takes two people to break up a couple, so we are not just talking about men because it is also important for women to treat their partners with love and respect. . But there is research with data that indicates that the vast majority of women, even in unstable couples, already behave this way. Of course they get angry or even contemptuous towards their partner but they allow men to influence their decisions, because they take their opinions and feelings into account. However, quite often men do not return the favor. 65% of men react very differently. Their responses increase their partners' negativity in the face of an argument. And this in four specific ways: with criticism, disdain, defensiveness or evasive attitude, in this way they escalate the conflict by resisting their wife's influence.

Instead of recognizing the woman's feelings, the man uses these attitudes to eclipse her, to make her point of view disappear. This causes instability in the couple and it is vital that men are aware of this danger. For some reason, when a woman uses these attitudes the couple does not become more unstable because women accept their partner's influence, which could explain to some extent the sex differences and their influences on the couple. So, although both partners should avoid escalating conflict in this way, it is the men who endanger the couple by doing so.

Signs of resistance. Accepting the influence of our spouse does not mean that we never express negative feelings. Couples can survive many angry outbursts, complaints, or even criticism. Trying to suppress negative feelings in front of your partner does not benefit them and neither does our blood pressure. The problem arises when the man barricades even the slightest dissatisfaction from the woman, thus increasing the negativity instead of trying to mitigate it.

The most important thing is that when a man accepts his wife's influence, his attitude improves the relationship by strengthening their friendship. With this we will improve our knowledge about our partner, we will foster affection and admiration and we will get closer to our woman. Thus, the spouses have a solid basis to reach a compromise. After all, the better we are at listening to our woman and respectfully considering her point of view, the more likely it is that we will find a solution to the problem that satisfies both of us. If you turn a deaf ear to your partner's needs, opinions or values, there is no possibility of reaching an agreement.

What men can learn from women. This happens not only because the absence of power struggles makes life as a couple more pleasant, but because the man is open to learning from his wife. There is no doubt that women have a lot to teach men about friendship. In his book The Complete Book of Guys, Dave Barry writes about the enormous gulf that exists between men and women, with women being more emotionally intelligent than men for a simple reason: they have a head start in learning these skills. If we observe any group of children we will see that when the boys play, usually chasing each other, the priority is the game itself, not their mutual relationships or their feelings. But for girls, feelings are paramount. The cry of “I'm not your friend anymore” stops a game in its tracks. The game will only resume if the girls resolve the conflict. When a boy and a girl play with the same toy, sex differences are evident. Where does this difference between boys' and girls' games originate? As it occurs in almost all cultures, it seems to be a biological cause, rather than a social one. But whether nature or culture is the cause of these differences, the truth is that their effect is undeniable. Since their games emphasize social integration and feelings at the end of childhood, girls have received extensive education about emotions. For a child, his experience in cooperative games and quick problem solving will be very useful in a boardroom, but it will constitute an obstacle in life as a couple if he has not acquired that experience together with the understanding of emotions. This difference in education is highlighted by the fact that, as boys grow older, they rarely play with girls, so they lose the opportunity to learn from them. An interesting theory, formulated by psychologist Eleonor Maccoby, from Stanford University, discovered that even at a very early age, a year and a half, when boys play they only accept the influence of other children, while girls accept the influence both boys and girls. Around the ages of five to seven, girls get fed up with this situation and no longer want to play with boys. From then until puberty, our culture, and virtually all others, offers no formal structure to ensure that boys and girls continue to interact. Emotionally intelligent men. Data on newlywed couples indicates that more and more men are undergoing this transformation, currently 35% more men fit into this category. This type of man respects and honors his woman, he will be more open to learning from her about emotions. You will come to understand her world, that of her children and friends. He may not be as emotional as her, but he will learn to relate better emotionally to her, and therefore he will know how to show her that he respects and honors her. If he is watching a football game and his wife needs to talk, he will turn off the television to be with her. You are choosing “we” over “I.” The emotionally intelligent man is the next step in social evolution. This does not mean that he is superior to other men in terms of personality, education or moral value. He has simply learned something very important about life as a couple, something that others still ignore: how to honor his wife and show his respect for her. So elementary.

The new man probably makes his career a lower priority than his family, because he has revised his notion of success. This not only benefits your partner, but also your children. Research shows that the man who knows how to accept his wife's influence will also make a remarkable father. He knows well the world of his children, their friends and their problems. Since he is not afraid of emotions, he teaches his children to respect their own feelings and respect themselves. He will also turn off the television for them, because he wants them to remember that their father had time for them. This new kind of man and father lives a full life full of meaning. By having a happy family, you find it possible to create and work effectively.

The change has come, although there are traditional men and couples who know how to accept the influence of their wives, the truth is that the concept of sharing marital power is relatively new and has emerged in the wake of the great social changes that have occurred in recent decades. The task of each man is to learn to assimilate this great transformation. This research clearly indicates that the only effective method is to embrace change rather than react with anger and hostility. Learn to give in. Perhaps the fundamental difference between these two classes of men is that the new one has learned that to win many times it is necessary to give in. If we are driving through any modern city, we will find traffic jams, unexpected obstacles that prevent our passage. Faced with this situation, we can act in two ways: the first is to stop them, get indignant and insist that they remove the obstacle; The second is to take a detour. The first attitude will end up causing a heart attack. The second, give in to win, will take us to our destination.

We can see a classic example of a man making himself about the classic toilet seat issue. The typical woman gets irritated when she leaves the lid open, even if it only takes her a second to lower it. For many women, the open toilet lid is a symbol of male power. So a man can win a lot of points with his wife by simply lowering the toilet seat. The wise man smiles thinking of his own wisdom as he lowers the lid.

Accepting women's influence is an attitude, but also a skill that you can cultivate if you know how to relate to your woman. If you find it difficult to accept your partner's influence, the best thing you can do is recognize the problem and talk about it with your spouse. Old habits cannot be changed overnight, but if you are able to recognize what marital problems are caused by your difficulty sharing power, you will have taken a big step forward. Your partner will feel relieved and optimistic about the possibilities for improvement in your life as a couple.

Extracted and adapted from Gottman, JM and Silver, N. (2012) SEVEN golden rules for living as a couple. Cristina Oroz Bajo